Postpartum Rage and the Aftermath

I see so many moms all over the place that are embarrassed and scared to talk about their postpartum recovery. Almost like we don’t feel like our feelings are valid enough to talk about. In my case, this has everything to do with thinking the people who are closest to me are more important to care for than myself.

I didn’t even know postpartum rage was a thing until about a month after I had my first huge outburst. Let's be honest here, no one REALLY warns us about what happens after we have our kids. We are basically in labor, and then have a child that we have to care for and are just sent home after a few random old ladies play with our tits for 48 hours. My first postpartum rage episode, I can still remember it so vividly like it just happened this morning. That’s saying a lot considering I barely remember the first 6 months of my sons life due to the postpartum depression I was experiencing.

I had just put Redden down for bed (he was about 3 weeks old at this point) and just like newborn babies do sometimes, he decided he wasn’t ready and screamed and cried across the house. Now this isn’t really anything out of the ordinary at this point in time, but something clicked in me. I started to storm towards his room, slamming the French doors that connect our living room to the rest of the house, and yelling “this shit is so stupid” and spewing profanities about how tired I was. In my mind, complaining and reminiscing on how nice it was not to have a baby that I had to tend to 25/8. Alex had decided to step in and get Redden since this was not something I would normally do, and he knew that after us being together for almost 6 years. After Alex had gone into Redden’s room, I went into the laundry room to cry. In the fetal position, on a cold tile floor leaned up against my washer and dryer, I just remember feeling so disgusted with myself. Wondering if this is the person that I was turning into. Worrying that if I had an outburst like this because he doesn’t want to sleep, how will I react down the road.

Will the habits of these outbursts turn into something I need help with? Should I go to therapy? I have heard of postpartum depression, but had never heard of any of the other postpartum diagnoses that are out there. This was, of course, just the first of many.

Finding a video on TikTok one day about a woman who had suffered from postpartum rage, literally changed everything that I thought that night. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t my fault. This will change. Just the knowledge of this problem women are experiencing after giving birth, gave me such a relief. So why isn’t there more awareness for postpartum recovery? It would be much to the benefit of couples to even get a pamphlet about these things. Even just the doctor talking to dad about it and what to expect as a possibility, could be so beneficial.

Experiences like this, so many of us go through and probably will never talk about it. No matter how hard we try, we are our biggest critics. We will always have the suspicion that we are doing everything wrong. When we are doing everything we can and more on a daily basis. So much so, that we have completely put ourselves and our own needs aside, just to make sure our family is healthy and safe. During that first year postpartum, all of this is amplified. When I found out this wasn’t only happening to me, I no longer felt alone. I wish it was easy enough to just fix this problem and talk about this more, but it’s not that easy. It takes a lot of people and time for changes like this to be made.

But I need you to know that you are not alone. You are doing so amazing every single day that you wake up and keep going. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in your life. Whether you’re going through something that is a huge obstacle or you are perfectly happy with your life right now, you are still gaining something for yourself. So absorb that and start recognizing how absolutely amazing and blessed you are.